Something New

So, been quite a while since my last gig, and a hell of a long while since my last blog post. What's up? A lot more of the same. Been on a bit of a hamster wheel of grown up obligations too boring to mention. Plus if I do start getting into it, i'll whine, and who wants to read that :) I'm improving, I guess. Better than the worst of it. Not quite back to my old self. But missing playing gigs, that is for sure. But what all of this resting has given me is the chance to listen to a lot of music. And I've found myself really getting back to listening to singers. I got into watching "Glee" (don't hate!), and that's actually steered me back on that path. I've been wondering a lot about what it is about what these artists do that compels me to listen so attentively. Lea Michele, Edina Menzel, Charise, Annie Lennox, Sinead, Tom Chaplin (Keane), Matthew Bellamy (Muse), Hailey Williams (Paramore), Kelly Clarkson, Brandi Carlile, The Civil Wars...and my (and apparently everyone else's current obsession)...Adele. That 23 year old south London girl hit the nail on the head, and finally helped me see what I couldn't quite get for 20 years. You can write songs, you can write and play beautiful music. You can have killer pipes. But until you take the heart on the page, and put it in every note of your voice, you just have a pretty voice.

I know I have pipes. But I get lazy. A lot of people do. I get misguided. I wanted to be Ann and Nancy Wilson all wrapped up in one (but black). I wanted to rock. But maybe that just isn't me. I write the heart felt lyrics, but I need the true bravery to put all of the feeling behind it and sing it properly.

I hid. We all hide. All day, every day don't we? So much easier. The older you get, the less time you have to really be yourself all the time. You are a lot of bits of different selves, and when you mix a songwriter with that, you get one schizophrenic individual. You have to. I know I have to. Because if I acted how I feel in my music, I couldn't get through daily life. So I hide. Age isn't my excuse. Before all of this recent stuff, I still hid. Behind guitar players, and big bands, and big noise, guitar playing, and closed eyes. It's natural. We all progress our own way. But Listening to Adele for some reason was my eureka moment. And suddenly I realized I have some work to do. And that's actually exciting.

So, I've got a crazy idea. I want to get back to singing, but my muscles are still pretty weak. Getting through a 10-song set while playing guitar is a lot to ask of me these days. But just singing with a pianist and keeping the guitar at home, and trying to see what happens when I don't hide...now that would be an adventure. I need to get stronger anyway, why not try to find that sweet spot. So I may actually start my way back that way. Never fear, I'm not hanging up the band and the Tele for good. Just for a gig or two until I get my full strength back. A few teeny gigs in small places. No guitar hauling, just bringing my instrument (voice), and my words, and trying to strengthen that first. One thing at a time...what do you think? Who's feeling that?

Love from old friends!

Scarily, it was actually about 20 years ago when the beautiful madness started. I had just graduated from college and I lived in a swanky new building in what was then not so swanky Chelsea. I had no money, no furniture, and a room mate from China who would take off for 3 months during the summer leaving me a check for the full amount. Among my little circle of musical friends, I was the first one with a grown up pad that wasn't a dorm. It was empty, at the end of the hall, pretty soundproof, no one lived around me and the building had an outdoor deck. It was a slammin' pad for someone just out of college. It was perfect. It was there that I had my first non-school or church musical playing/singing experience. A good friend from the men's volleyball team had a band. They all went to different schools. Two of them were still in high school! So when they played their first gigs in the city, they would crash at my fledgling bachelorette pad. And in the early hours of the morning, we would sit around with their (and eventually my) guitars and jam on REM, Beatles, U2 and a wide variety of tunes and styles. I learned how to play guitar because of those "sessions". I learned to love all kinds of music, and sing stuff other than classical and show tunes in front of other people. Those nights are still some of the happiest memories I have, and the people who brought love and life into that room are some of my closest friends. They became family, like blood and we grew up together in that love of music, art and creativity.

I'm by no means old. Some days I REALLY feel like I am, but I still have some miles left. Life has changed, A LOT. But that love is in there. For music, and for that family. And to have those boys organize a benefit show for an organization that helps people with my condition just brings home how special that bond is and always has and will be. There will be no shortage of love and appreciation at this show. But at the core will be an inexplicable connection borne out of those nights that keeps a fire burning in all of us through the morass of grown up life. It keeps me young, and the thought of playing with these guys again truly brings me back. If it wasn't July, I'd feel compelled to crank out some flannel for the occasion...where the hell are my old combat boots anyway?!!..But if you can make it there, you should. So magic will be happening!
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Year end thoughts to come...trying a blog app from the iPad.

david mills, tremé, and funky coincidences...

so i'm in the post-pharmapalooza fog. weird going back to work and just being "work" me when people know about "music" me...i can't run and i can't hide anymore, not a bad thing...and felt really good to get out there and sing again. and the LLNS crowd, massive, loud and full of love. was a great night!

so tonight's blog post is one i've been meaning to do for ages, but never had the energy. but it's time...

on one of those days when i was at home alone, sore, tired, 30 pills to take on various alarms all day...i did what as a paranoid person of the new millennium does...i googled myself. i do it from time to time to be sure there isn't some crack pot review of something i did 15 years ago hanging out there, but also to check in on my digital distribution to make sure my tunes are where i agreed to put them...i'm sure there's some narcissistic curiosity involved as well. i won't lie...anyway, i stumbled upon something i hadn't seen before. the blog of a guy whose handle was "undercover black man". couldn't dig up anything else about him on the page, but it was wild. someone had hipped him to me, and he was spreading the love. always nice to see on the net. and he had some mighty kind words for the old CT. check it out here:

so, wanting to find out more about the kindness of this stranger, i dug around his blog site, and found myself on the most recent post, dated in April 2010. it was titled "Blowing UBM's Cover". And as I read, I was stricken by the sadness of what I was reading but also wonder and amazement. The post I speak of is here:

It turns out not only had I heard of the man behind UBM, I was a fan of his work. His name was David Mills, and he had tragically passed away a month or two before I saw this blog from an aneurysm. He was a well known screenwriter and journalist in Hollywood. He had written for ER, Homicide and NYPD Blue before being one of the creators on The Wire and Treme. He was the man behind several controversial interviews of people on my radar in the 90s...Professor Griff from Public Enemy, and Sister Soulja.

But aside from knowing his work, I was compelled by his story. He was from my home town, DC. Grew up about 10 minutes away from where I did. Had many of the same cultural touchpoints (Rare Essence and the DC go-go scene, but also a love of a wide variety of styles of music). He and my eldest sister were born days apart. The post his nephew made was compelling and beautiful, and made me wish I had known about this blog before, because this was a guy I would have loved to have a conversation with. But was not meant to be.

The internet is a truly wild place. It allows totally unconnected people to connect. And can facilitate the mending of broken connections (thru sites like Facebook and LinkedIn). But it can make an anonymous person known to you in a few clicks. And unbeknowst to you, you've influenced someone. Changed their thinking. Altered their view. It's incredibly powerful. I love that he was listening to "Keeping Quiet" while driving to visit his family over the holidays. When I think of it, it makes me smile, and it makes that creative circle feel real. Suddenly that song is not alone or anonymous. And again is a reminder that our art, when it's out there, can have an effect.

In a somewhat unrelated item...I'll close with this addition. Last week, when rehearsing for Pharmapalooza, I walked out of the rehearsal room to get a drink. Upon turning the corner back to our room, I physically bumped into a guy who seemed oddly familiar. Frankly, after playing in NYC for 15 years, everyone looks a little familiar. But, when I got to our door, I realized...that's Sean Lennon. In typical New Yorker fashion, I kept walking with no acknowledgment of my recognition. The biggest thing that went through my head is...my...life is strange. Because here I am, at a random rehearsal space in Manhattan, playing with my workmates (not my own band)...practicing a Beatles tune...and of all people to bump into...but hey...why not!?

So we did it! Pharmapalooza...and to me, it was a smashing success! In so many ways. LLNS put ourselves out there as a spirited, creative, serious group to be reckoned with. Now...in the competition, we didn't end up placing...which I'm shocked at...but hey, it is what it is. But we rocked, and had a great time.

The best part though was seeing about 60 people from my agency all out together, from all levels with a common goal and that was to enjoy each other and support their work-mates. That was pretty cool! I got to sing again, which felt great. This was far more nerve-wracking than I thought it would be. But once I got up there. I felt OK. Playing loud guitar was a blast. And the harmonies were great. I got to believe in my strength again and feel that buzz I really missed.

Am I 100%, not quite yet. I got strangely crampy afterwards (don't think I hydrated enough that day), and opted to not hang the whole evening (which sucked). And I am now a lot of woman to drag around stage (and I need to do something about that). But I LOVE singing. Music and singing have saved my life on more occasions than I can count, and it did it again for me last night. So my hope is to inch towards 100%...and definitely do this more often.

Stay tuned...tomorrow will have a great blog post about interesting coincidences...

Much love people
CT--

This soul-blues singer/songwriter rarely plays guitar at the speed I need to for pharmapalooza...all i can say is ..ouch! but it's going to rock. out comes the tube screamer :)

so....it's been a while. a long while...i'm not going to lie. where the hell have i been? well, working the day gig, which is still cool. enjoying it. still learning and pushing myself which is always important. but music has been off the table for a while now. so what happened...it's a long, drawn out story that would best make a not really exciting, but interesting episode of "House". but since my last gig january 24th, i've worked my way through a lot of doctors to discover why i became overwhelmingly exhausted earlier in the year. i've had ups and downs, muscle aches, neck pain and exhaustion for years, but sucked it up, and managed to combat it (as my friends used to call them...my "sundays".) back in the day, i thought it totally normal that after playing a single gig, i'd need to sleep all day long the next day. i could do that back then. but now, i have a 3 year old, a husband, a day job and a grown up life and don't have that kind of time. so in january, after not feeling too hot for years, my body finally said, you're done. I canceled everything but work until further notice, and began an interesting odyssey.

i've had my fair share of poking and prodding over the last 8 months. many procedures. lots of blood taking and tests, all coming to a final diagnosis. i have something called dermatomyositis (oddly, it was actually mentioned in last night's episode of "House"). essentially, my immune system is attacking my muscles while giving me very attractive dark circles around my eyes and on my knuckles. i've probably had it for about 15 years. which explains why i went from athlete to couch potato over the years. it wasn't in my head..and it was not just age. what a comfort to know that getting tired arms brushing my hair was actually a REAL problem!

so, basically i feel like i have the muscle aches of the flu all of the time, without having the flu. has not been fun, but could have been sooo much worse. so they caught it. i've gone thru one treatment, and am moving towards another and am finally feeling a bit better. but it's funny, i didn't think i felt better enough to play until my day gig all of a sudden gave me an opportunity to see just how much better i felt; and in turn, got me singing (and energized) again.

which brings me to pharmapalooza...huh?...exactly what i said. i try to keep my job and music life somewhat separate. always been a little weird for me having people i work with (and for) know i play. not sure why, but that is the case. when we met with our new CEO, i wasn't going to bring it up, but was outed as a musician by a co-worker. after that meeting, something called pharmapalooza was brought up. i didn't take it too seriously at the time because i wasn't sure we'd actually make it happen. luckily for us and in turn me, our CEO doesn't mess around and was very serious. and i got the feeling this was something i needed to do. it's a charity event organized by another pharma agency where bands from various agencies play a set and donate proceeds to charity. last time i did something like this was ladyfest (at least this time i'm not organizing anything!), but they are always a good time.

so, not knowing if i could still sing on key, or play a note on the guitar, i said OK?! i hadn't sung a real note or played for longer than 10 minutes since january. very scary. luckily my agency musician cohorts have been truly on the ball, professional, fun and supportive. and i've been able to do the thing i love again, because of my day job. not sure if i sound as good as i did 8 months ago, but i'm having a blast. and i'm psyched for our prospects.

i say all of this to say. you never know where inspiration will come from. you never know what will kick you in the ass and in what way. and to be honest, shit happens. but sometimes, if you go with the flow and trust the way something's going, it can take you to cool places. so with devil horns raised in the air...i go boldly into pharmapalooza. after all of these crazy months...with now bad hips, prednisone weight, injections and infusions, i get to do the thing i was born to do well because of the thing i have learned to do well. i'll keep you posted. and thanks to all who have sent good thoughts, healing vibes and love my way this year. i'll be back out there playing again some time soon. so don't hate on the steady day gig...you never know where it might take you!

I'm back!! Been a rough 8-9 months. Much to tell, but at least have the blog back up and running. Stay tuned....

So...at the end of 2009 and where am I. Well, not too far from where I was last year which is disappointing, but it is what it is. Was planning to record, but that was scuttled by a day job gone insane, a crap economy, and a car accident. But I do intend to get back on that next year.

Didn't loose a pound. Actually that's a lie. I lost several, gained them back, and am losing them again. BUT, I have a happy, healthy 2 year old who is a ball. A great home life. And that matters more to me than traveling from town to town crammed in a van and staying at cheap motels. I miss the gigs and meeting the people, but I don't miss the lifestyle. Sorry...but that is the truth!...I'm playing with guys I adore and respect and still love music. Love playing, love singing. So why stop, huh?

But I promised I would blog about something pretty magical that happened to me about a month ago, but never got around to it. So I'm making it my year-end entry.

In early November, I got a random email from an old acquaintance, Frank. He is a teacher at a school in the Village, and had an interesting project he wanted to discuss with me. His 6th graders were reading "Hamlet", and he wanted to use "Poor Ophelia" as something to bounce off of them to make the story more relevant. I said why the hell not, emailed him the lyrics, and frankly, thought the idea was cool, but was so caught up with "life" that I didn't think much of it.

When the morning came, I hustled down to the Little Red Schoolhouse, and sat in the corner of a 6th grade classroom. To say these kids were extraordinary would be an understatement. They were smart, sharp, engaged and curious. All one would hope for from a room full of kids. So my friend had printed the lyrics and asked them to annotate to them against the book. They were also watching bits of the Mel Gibson version of Hamlet. Don't hate...that movie has one of the best depictions of Ophelia I've seen actually! Anyway, they didn't know I wrote the lyrics, or even that it was a song. They read it as poetry, and also had no idea if the author was a man or woman.

These kids examined my lyrics like House diagnoses a case. It was amazing to watch. It made me wonder if I got my facts straight. If I interpreted correctly. I actually started getting pretty paranoid! But their observations were spot on and amazing. I actually found myself welling up a few times. And for the corniest of reasons. No shitting you, I felt hope for the future looking and hearing these kids. I guess teachers feel this all the time. But a little semi-artist like myself locks myself in a candle lit room baring my angst while hiding it in song lyrics. Suddenly what I do, what we all do felt VERY real to me.

When the big reveal happened, the kids seems shocked, and excited, but were really great. They asked loads of questions. And I played "Poor Ophelia" for them on a guitar Frank had borrowed for me. It was 9:30am, I was hoarse, and a little choked up at the whole experience, but I felt the meaning in that performance more than I had ever felt it before. It was incredible. And in that moment, I got it!

I'm 40 years old. Not skinny. Not rich. Not perfect. Not always motivated. Not as tortured as I used to be. Life has now sucked a lot of motivation out of my day when it comes to music. Too many hours of my day are spent NOT playing music. But I keep on with it. I know I won't be as big as U2 or as influential as Radiohead, but I do it because I love it. But also because I think it does matter. Maybe not to thousands or millions of people, but to those who get within my earshot, and connect with what I do. Artists allow people to connect to things they may either ignore or avoid. We connect people to the best and worst within themselves. We provide illumination, distraction, empowerment and sometimes just plain fun. ALL of us...not just the famous ones. And having that ability is an amazing gift that gives and gives back.

So I play on. Maybe not all the time. Maybe not perfectly. Maybe not always when I say I will. But I play on. As should all artists, regardless of your station in life. Because there are a lot of 6th graders out there. And they are all inspiring, and need to be inspired. And they will all grow up one day to do great things, large and small. And in that...lies HOPE!

Much love to all of you, and many many thanks for keeping me in the game and keeping me going. I promise more music in 2010. And I look forward to bringing you all along on the ride.

Happy Holidays & Happy New Year!
CT--

What to accomplish in 2009 ?!...

so, kirstie ally had "fat actress"...i'm starting my own "fat rock star"! but i'm not a rock star. in my head i might be. i write a good tune or two, and if i liked living out of vans again, maybe i would be. i'm a musician with a day job like the thousands of other graphic designers in the NY tri-state area. so...as a result of sitting on my ass for 10-12 hours a day, i've "let myself go" as it were. well...that's gotta stop now because not only will i need to chase my kid in the park this summer; i intend to have enough lung power to rip it up recording a cd later this year. so, fear of public humiliation is my remedy. (that and weight watchers with cindy)

why make this public...it's no secret, and i'll take motivation wherever i can.

so watch the notes. i'll post to my site's journal as well and actually try to keep it going.

when i graduated from high school, i weighed 118 lbs and was 5'9". i could sing contra-alto and hit notes that broke mirrors. too many cigarettes and years have killed getting back to that. but i'd like to feel like my old self a bit more, and maybe crack a highball glass before my days are over.

so stay tuned. should be interesting.

what i looked like in 1993.

well...winding down now...last night was another great night. though quite a bit tougher. went to MAU MAU in Notting Hill. the MC of the night, johnadam was really wonderful. i got to do 4 songs which was cool.. the place was a real mixed crowd. some stylish west end types, mixed in w/ quite a few people who would look perfectly comfy in williamsburg. but they were very chatty and the place was quite loud, so i wasn't sure if i'd be heard or paid attention to at all. so i decided to start w/ the acapella version of the nina simone tune "feelin good". in my true amazement, the room actually shut up, and they were cheering quite a bit between verses. i guess they know nina simone well here. usually when i sing that in the states, people think it's nice and all, but aren't that familiar w/ the tune. but a whole crwod to my right were singing along with the song the whole way. so that was an amazing start.

there wasn't quite as much attentiveness to the originals--though i guess they were actually listening. i did "how can you sleep", "keeping quiet", and "beekman place". they all went over well, but the response when i was done was amazing. i could barely get back across the room. i wasn't sure if they were listening while i played--and i was losing my voice a bit half way though b/c the smoke was really getting to me. but as i moved through the crowd. i got a lot of really amazing feedback. and the owner of the place actually offered me a gig on a saturday night. unfortunately, i leave monday, but i told him i'm looking to come back and tour later in the year, and i would love to play the club--so that's a great contact.

i've just been floored by the whole trip. it's been really eye opening, and i feel really rejuvenated. beginning to formulate a game plan now. i'm thinking, i'll record a live CD. much more affordable and will also capture more of my sound in it's truest form. then head out later in te year and tour the UK, france and spain. maybe italy (eugene here i come!) then come back and try to push it more in the US. east coast first. do the jimi hendrix thing. i think there's something to be gained by seeking an outside perspective. and i do think it's easier to seek success elsewhere then come back to NYC, than it is to try to seek it in NYC itself...so i'm beginning to figure it out.

anyway, one more tomorrow. the jazz jam at LUSH in islington. may either do "feeling good" or billie holiday's "loverman". we'll see. all in all, a brilliant trip. walked my ass off yesterday from islington to st. pauls (about 10 miles). took some great neighborhood shots. way more fun than, see X church here, X museum there, look kids, big ben, parliament. seen all that crap before anyway. had a bit of an annoying afternoon trip as they closed the highbury/islington tube stop because of a stray bag left at the station. they are very paranoid about the terrorism thing and taking no chances. but i ended p haveing to take a bus in london rush hour which crawled. way worse than new york.

well, off to hit some galleries. a branccusi exhibit at the tate modern and checking out the crafts council in islington. not sure what we'll be up to tonight, but i'm taking the night off of singing. the pipes need a break. more tomorow before i head out. peace...ct...

no open lics last night. the 2 i had scoped out were not happening anymore. decided to take it easy as i'm still under the weather. but finally had a decent italian meal in this damn country! a place called la fourchette on upper street in islington. reminded me of home. like a shining jewel...ahhh...real food. i decided what it is over here. (aside from a real lack of spice and their tendency to overcook everything)--they don't put nearly enough garlic in anything. in my book, it ain't food if there's no garlic...my word for the day!

anyway, tonight planning on resuming my open mic travels. going to a place called Mau Mau in Notting Hill. Should be fun.

Also, finished a book by an old friend, Andrew Sean Greer (those of you who know me well will get the fact that he's Mike's twin brother)--anyway. His book is called "The Confessions of Max Tivoli", and I highly recommend going out and getting it. it's such a wonderful piece of work. sad, insightful, and beautifully written. i'm so proud of him! truly inspiring. and i'm not usually a fan of fiction. i'm a facts kind of gal...Making my way through "Fast Food Nation" now. another interesting read. haven't gotten to the infamous chapter about slaughterhouses yet...doubt it will make me give up meat though. but it will probably make me think more about where my meat comes from! anyway, we'll see, you may be hearing from a reformed vegetarian in a few days.

Will report more later...Cheers.

just got back from THE LION (formerly The Stoke Tup), in Stoke Newington. another great night. i'm digging this country. the tele sounds amazing w/ the pod, and i'm beginning to feel a groove w/ the solo thing. but the crowds have been so supportive. played 2 tunes. they squeezed me in. randa played up the whole "she came all the way from new york!" thing. played "keeping quiet" and a new tune, "meant to be". the new one went well. after some practice today, changed the ending a bit. i think it's tighter now. went back to the "head" as they call it in jazz and finished as i started. sounds really cool. looking froward to cranking that one out stateside...no ed o'brien sightings yet in good ole london...damn...but i just feel so blessed to be on this trip and feeling out these people and the scene. quite a thriving open mic scene. feels like that's where the real heart of the music is now. people doing their own thing. it feels the way it should w/o the industry bullshit. i've just never felt so positive about playing alone and so inspired at the same time. one guy cranked out a beautiful neil finn "fall at your feet", while another was playing my old guitar---o sheraton...i hardly knew ye! but i love my tele...there's no going back.

may hit another tomorrow night. still fighting off the heavy lungs. am doping up on echinacea, vitamin c, my beloved pressed apple juice, and cough medicine. how is it possible that after 15 years on the cigs and 2 years off, the smoke nearly kills you? so unfair.

short entry today. finally woke up at a reasonable hour today. i think i'm finally adjusting to the time. hit a great open mic last night as well. had to take a train and a bus to get there, but eventually ended up at THE PLOUGH INN in Walthamstow. Nice little crowd, and the night is run by a group called Virtually Acoustic. The host of the evening, Dave, was very cool. Got to do 3 tunes as well this night, (keeping quiet, bass line & blue sky). and again, the crowd was awesome. really good response. a woman wanted to get in touch w/ me about playing a charity event in june here. one never knows. as usual, got embroiled in deep political discussion w/ some guys at the pub. couldn't really flesh it out though b/c i was afraid of missing the last trains and buses and getting stuck in north london. but i often find myself explaining the "american perspective" on what's going on there. not like i'm a representative. but it's always cool to hear what other people think. but wishing i could spend a good 3-4 months and really give it a go and see what shakes out of the tree. but feeling better about playing than i have in a long, long time. maybe what people have been telling me for years is the case. maybe i do work best solo. i have to admit, it is nice to actually hear my own voice. so many rock gigs, i could hardly hear a thing. i do miss the noise and the comeraderie sometimes. maybe i can manage a bit of both.

anyway...several open mics to hit tonight. should be fun...

hello kidlets...greetings from occasionally sunny london.

i'm here hitting as many open mics as i can and checking out the scene. which so far has been great. sunday, stumbled upon a place called LUSH on upper street in Islington. they had a great funk/jazz jam going on there, w/ several vocalists who came up and sang. i met the owners and may sing a tune next sunday. was really awesome though. they played standards, but with so much energy. it as the most fun i'd had at a jazz gig in a while. turns out, many of the players were students at guild hall. but really dug the vibe of the people there. not quite so stuffy london. and it seems like there are many londoners looking for these kind of alternative places.

then last night, played an amazing open mic in Finsbury Park at THE OLD DAIRY. a beautiful place that was an old diary from the mid 19th century. but it's huge and has a beautiful room in the back where they have the music. great quality stuff though. the songwriters were all quite good--but again an amazing aire of liveliness to the people. like they've been starving for these kinds of places. and they are so attentive, and appreciative of the music. a sight that is pretty much lost in NYC these days. what a pleasure. but i played 3 tunes (keeping quiet, beekman, and how can you sleep)--and the response was amazing. really rejuvenating. after feeling really quite deflated and uninspired by playing in NY, it was such a pleasure. i'm looking forward to finally finishing an album on my own and touring over here. i think it would go over well. but what a night. fairly eventful. a poor girl went up and sang w/ a mate of hers and they sounded great but she got so freaked out and nervous midway through that she fainted! it was wild and scary, but she was OK. and at the end there was a guy w/ fantastic personality who though he had a fairly silly and light-hearted persona, sang about some heavy stuff. it was a great night. hopefully more to come. i promise to report...

drinking tea (PG Tips of couse)--trying to get over hoarseness from all the smoke--i'd forgotten what it was like to be in public places w/ smoke!...enduring the changing dreary/sunny london weather...and searching for decent food--peace--ct

Alright, I'm back to doing this and planning on sticking to it. If for any reason, so I can see for myself my "process", which I basically don't have one...

ONE & TWENTY is over...needed to be...it was time. I wouldn't be able to figure out what music was in me in that context. I was always too busy pleasing everyone, and trying to inspire the troops and keep the train moving. Couldn't just enjoy doing it. (Though our last couple of gigs were spectacular.) I miss the boys though. And especially after CBGB, which was the highlight of my career so far, I miss what we could have done together. But ONE & TWENTY was turning into a noose around all of our necks. The name had no recognition and it felt like beating a horse that wouldn't die. A stallion mind you, but something that needed to evolve...more like a catepillar into a butterfly. So i've spent the summer in a cocoon of my own making. Not focusing on "the business", or even writing that much. Just trying to remember why I loved it all in the first place.

Started watching the Beatles Anthology and was reminded of coming home every day from school, putting on my Beatles records in the basement and doing my homework to them...every day for years.

I went to see people I admired. Saw Radiohead again in Mansfield MA and at Field Day. Saw Duran Duran at Webster Hall--and realized the power of tis thing we do. How uplifting it is. How it shouldn't be a chore. 2000 30-something women screaming like little girls, and 5 guys in their 40s kicking ass and loving every minute. It was such an honor to be there.

I started getting into playing acoustic again. Not just booking the gigs, but enjoying the sound of my own voice again. Enjoying the quiet spaces between words. The sound of my voice reverberating off of walls and coffee cups. Winding it's way around people in conversation and catching a few hairs in their ear canals from time to time. Seeing the eyebrows raise in recognition. It's nice to see.

Don't get me wrong, I miss rocking out. I miss the noise and the energy and the distortion. But I'm re-gaining my energy. Storing it up. Lost 33 lbs so far. Not afraid to admit I have another 50 lbs to go. But it's all for the energy. Trying to slough off the old weight and lift things up. Stop hunching, shrugging the shoulders. Open up...

So this is the new journey. Not sure where it will go, but should be interesting. Hopefully a few of you out there will continue to follow--CT

been a long time. holidays...big gigs that we probably made a bigger deal than necessary...winter illnesses. but trying to get back on the stick. we're back in the studio. HCYS and Jane came out great! Spiro...kudos for staying up 24 hours to get it mixed. He's he man! Looking forward to see what else shakes out of the tree. At the moment we're working on 2 new versions of "beekman" and "breathe". they've been recorded before, but i think we're finally at the right place with them. we also want 2 songs that are under 4 minutes to try to get some radio play in new places that we're heading. hopefully we'll crash these out in a week or two as they're pretty old songs. stay tuned for MP3s.

tara and i are going to be cover girls at rubyfruit for a monthly gig there. never thought i'd see the day i sang a journey song in public, but hey, they wrote great shit--and it's SUCH a blast playing and singing with her. really amazing.

as for us, we're working on setting up out of town dates. harder than i thought, but we're getting there. we'll be back in nyc in march though hopefully. got some new tunes in the hopper. some jon chazen originals! we are very psyched about that. plus just wrote a new one called "Look". should be chock full of heavy ass harmonies and a deep groove. can't wait to start working it on monday in the studio.

off to go see neil finn for the 1st of 2 shows for me this week. he's always inspiring. going again friday night in philly. that man knows how to write a song better than almost anyone out there. amazing. peace all...and that means a lot these days...

just a short note. laid down scratch vox for HCYS & "jane". HCYS sounds amazing already. really psyched for that one. realizing that texturally there's so much more i can do vocally recording 'cause i'm not screaming over loud band. hope to work that the best i can. joe's '74 ibanez les paul kicked ass on HCYS. a little tubescreamer & there you go...sweet. more drums and bass tonight. think we'll have to re-do drums on "jane". needs to be a little faster. but so far, so good. taking the guitar to richie to have it set up. as usual tuning is an issue--capoing an electric. plus i play hard. but HCYS is finding it's own voice, which is great...looking forward to tobacco road next week! saw an ad for "bowling for columbine" this morning. joe and i nearly dropped our coffee. nice to see it's atleast being advertised. it was on 8 screens and did $26,000/ per screen. perspective...my big fat greek wedding did about $4,000/screen on 2000 screens. yeah its NY & LA, but hopefully it's agood sign...cheers

hello all...so we're back recording again. feels really great. yesterday eugene laid down drum tracks for "how can you sleep" and "jane". it sounds killer. spiro is THE guru and got the most ass kicking drum sound. so we're on our way. bass tracks last night sounded great as well. great warm sound and jon's usual bass madness. a few fixes and we'll be golden. hell, if it keeps up like this, maybe we'll just go ahead and record and album...hmmm...better not get too cocky! just one day down...

other candidates for recording at the mo are "remember the day", "afraid to try", "just you and me", and a new little joint i'm working up w/ a real blues vibe. probably the fewest chords i've ever written in a song. that's a stretch for me. so i'm psyched. played around w/ it a bit in Reason yesterday w/ some rhodes sounds and a great backbeat. so we'll see.

we're also cooking up a big surprise for the spring. it's an INCREDIBLY ballsy thing for us to want to do, but i think we're going to try to pull if off. stay tuned, you will be shocked!

last but not least, we're opening for FIGHTING GRAVITY!!!!! november 23rd at lion's den. we're so pumped. vonz has been an angel and really supportive of us, and i respect the way they've been doing it over the years. they've sold about 1/2 million CDs and they're not on a label. all on their own. KUDOS. so we're psyched to play with them again. hopefully will happen again when we hit the road.

last word...GO SEE "BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE"!!!!!!!
Probably the most important movie I've seen in years. Very provocative, but necessary. If you're in LA or NYC, go to the movie...tell friends to go...go again. the more it sells out in these cities, the better chance the movie has of expanding it's screen coverage. and people need to see this film...that's all for now. i'm going to try to update after each recording session...so stay tuned...CT

the world is a damn scary place these days...such bliss in spain. the place (san sebastian) feels like ice cream (atleast what i remember from the last time i had ice cream 25 years ago!). sinfully beautiful. calm, blissful. but alive and moving...thankfully not too fast. i cried at the thought of leaving spain. few places have ever done that to me. i wanted to stay. i wanted more radiohead too, but i just loved being there...too bad that 3 weeks after my return, there were huge basque separatist protests in the streets with people being shot at by police with rubber bullets. can't we all just get along?

we spoke to a few basque people in spain. none seemed like frothing, irrational terrorists the way the catellan press would have you think. fear and panic at every corner. god knows, 5 days is a place is not nearly enough. but they were proud people. intelligent people. people who had an axe to grind, and just wanted to not feel swept away. like everything these days...man it's complicated.

then to come back here to the almost surreal turn america is taking towards war. it's got me reading chomsky and naomi klein and listening to WBAI and trusting what i hear less and less...axis of evil...please...evil lurks everywhere...in our own backyards sometimes...right in front of our faces...we just have to remember that evil doesn't always wear black and look obvious. sometimes it lies in the places you feel are out of your reach...scary times...almost unbelievable.

but it's got me writing again, furiously actually. i'm going to post the lyrics to the new one on the site. "how can you sleep"...we're pretty proud of it, and it's a real step forward for me lyrically. yesterday i was talking to a friend who's also a songwriter who was talking about this stage of life where you kind of dry up a little artistically. you go through a period of re-evaluation. supposed to be from 28-32. that's about accurate. i just couldn't be self-absorbed and self-obsessed and boo-boo, poor me about my life anymore. been there...done that...time to move on. then i finally got to go away and see a few different views and gain some perspective.

do i wish i was still 21. i wish i had 9 years of my twentys ahead of me, yeah. 17 or 18 years until i HAD to decide to have a kid or not. what would seem like a lifetime before i had to face the fact that my parents are now described as "elderly". yeah, i miss that. but i don't miss being that age. i had my head so far up my ass it wasn't funny. and i think WHAT have to say, now, is so much more important. and what i have to offer now is so much more useful than feeding my self-obsession in a self-obsessed culture.

read...go see great films...i just saw ghandi again, and that story has never been more poignant...get out of the suburbs. look at the stars...and take you country back america. it's a great place sometimes. let's not let it go to hell.

hello all--
greetings from san sebastian, spain! so far hearing more english accents than spanish ones, and also seems the english brought heir weather with them. it was 80 degreen in england and sunny, and it´s 70 degrees and rainy in spain. c´est la vie! loved bordeaux in france. beautiful city with nice people and i remembered more french than i thought. which confused me when i got to spain with my spanish. i´m all turned around. pub in the UK closed at 11pm, we were out until 5am here. left side of the road driving in the UK, right side in france and spain. but it´s all good. great community vibe in spain. people take off 3 hours in the afternoon to spend w/ their families, and few live farther than walking distance from work. that´s living a life i say!

so off to ladyfest london friday. but before that...radiohead...i can´t wait.

buenos tardes people--ct

i think there's a reason i love music so much. it jogs your memory at moments when you're caught up in the whirlwind and bullshit of life. i'm sitting here with my new favorite drink, a sour apple martini (yum!) and i was doing the usual bullshit work that goes along w/ making a band run. i was in fact aiming to listen to "how to disapear completely" in my itunes collection of mp3s. but instead i just typed in "h" and what came up was "how can i tell you." perhaps one of the saddest cat stevens songs ever. but so beautiful. doesn't matter what mood i'm in, that song will always bring me to a place. those of you who were there remember that place. carlyle...the living room of a 1-bedroom apartment shared by 4 people...not seeing daylight for weeks at a time...celestial seasonings cranberry cove....a gallon, plastic bottle of georgi (if it was the end of the semester), a gallon glass bottle of smirnoff (if it was the beginning of the semester)...and that song playing while we wallowed in our self pity. funny i don't think it pathetic. just a time. a pretty amazing time when love, and a boy or whatever would be the priority in your life that led you to drinking tea and vodka in your room for months. seems so gloriously innocent. i also remember listening to it on the bus back and forth from oxford to london on my usual weekend trip junior year abroad. cat seemed to go so well will foggy highways and a slower life. god, what we do is amazing. music is amazing. as i hear so much shit about the new web casting laws and feel more and more helpless against the hugeness of big corporate strangleolds. i wonder, will 30 year olds 15 years from now feel the same way about something they they are hearing today. god...i hope so!

been a long time since i last blogged. a lot going on. got laid off. trying to decide what to do with myself now. probably happened for good reason. more time to devote to music. and that's been so wonderful lately. there's a really great cooperative thing going on with one & twenty now and it is finally what i wanted it to be. i'm so psyched. i won't elaborate, because you have to see it. but the music is just going over the top these days and will only get better.

as for me, i'm off to europe in july. i can't wait. the thought of seeing radiohead in a venue that fits 1,400 people is an amazing thought. plus just feeling the european vibe is just what i need right now.

i look forward to wandering the streets, hearing the sounds, and establishing new music to put a face to. all memories in the making. so many songs have that for me. "china" by tori amos always reminds me of lifting off from san francisco airport after a hellish yet wonderful week there (see "i wish you were dead to me"). i stil feel the stabbing feeling in my chest and air of melancholy when i hear those chords.

"street spirit" by radiohead. a darker memory. the first song i heard in my headphones at work when i found out my father had cancer and was in bad shape. the song is so sad, yet "immerse your soul in love" was what i needed to hear.

music sketches memories in your heart to flip back through when you're ready for them. so they don't get forgotten. details, faces fade, but the music makes the smells and sounds real again.

weird experience the other night. thought i saw a man i hadn't seen in 14 years. i was madly in love with him and broke his heart. never really got over that or forgot it. amazing that an experience can be so overwhelming, and yet that person could stand in front of you, stare at you, and you are unsure if it's them. i keep believing that if i were to see him again, i'd just feel it, no recongnition required. but somehow, wondering and not knowing seemed so sad. music could take me back to moments, yet if he was standing in my face, i wouldn't know him...so sad...poor guys at the store probably thought i was stalking him. i kept coming up with reasons to stare at goat cheese for 15 minutes. oh well, something in me says i'll see him again. probably when i least want it, need it, or expect it. like the day before my wedding or something. god does love a good mind fuck...keeps us on our toes!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

Chinese Fortune Cookie Quote of the day...
"Successful people are able to take on a variety of perspectives."

long time...no blog...
i just want to relay something that happened to me at the gym and the difference between that and how he rest of my night went.

i started going to the gym again in january. recently, i've been going 4-5x a week, which actually, to my surprise, feels awesome. i already fit into somethings that i couldn't a year ago, and my energy i totally up. it's been great. that being said, i actually dig my gym as well. most people are all about business. there to sweat, not win any contests. and most of the people i've made eye contact with don't give me that the look i feared when i wouldn't go to the gym. you know..."poor fat girl, well atleast she finally came here!" most people are really nice.

but i had the pleasure of re-dressing next to 2 women who i would best describe as harpies. no love at all, which probably explains why they were moaning about being single. if i was a guy, you'd have to pay me a million bucks and have anna kournikova sitting on my face to agree to date one of these two. but i digress.

harpy #1 proceeded to blather on about being at a party and having a guy try talk to her. the problem being, he was 5' 2" tall and weighed about 200 lbs. maybe he was nice. maybe he was an ass. who'd know, because this harpy wouldn't even hold a conversation with the guy. the topper was when she relayed her story saying he asked her where she hung out and she replied "new york sports club." and walked away, saying to herself, "come on, be serious. what was he thinking? i felt bad for him."

rude, mean and really no reason for it. the funny thing was, she was slim, but shalom harlow, she was not. harpy #2, who looked like she probaby hasn't really digested a good meal in a while, laughed and agreed heartily, while the two of them extolled how much they go to the gym, how great they look and are and what bitches they were and even described themselves as "bitchy, bullheaded women."

so do i relay this because as an overweight woman i was offended by them making fun of a fat guy?...not at all...i spent the first 27 years of my life thin, and maybe, in younger days, something not quite that bad, but close, might have come out of my mouth. i get the politics of thin. i get the feeling of being objectified. i used to bring a lot of it on myself. but as i've grown up and seen a few things, i've really come to discover what beauty is. what humanity is. and i have so little patience for, particularly women, who choose to be such small people. frankly, women are truly made for better than this. it just felt so sad listening to them. sad at how ugly they were and they didn't even realize it. they had no love. no soul. just great abs and a false belief of security. they reminded me so of the kinds of women i avoid like the plague. the ones who give the rest of us a bad name. the ones who have so little respect for themselves that they'll walk around half-naked waiting to be noticed, when there's nothing in them to notice. blame magazines all you want ladies for your lack of self esteem, but you're not helping matters, and i'm sure you subscribe to all of them!

put that against the fact that i went to LOURDSs showcase tonight, (which was ass-kicking!) and felt such love. i was in a room full of a lot of women, scraping at trying to be who they are. feeling the love from the music, and revelling in the comeraderie of being with each other. it was beautiful and so energizing. a lot of the peple i was hanging with were so beautiful in their own ways, and i feel that so much these days. funny thing is, i'll talk to anyone, b/c my goal is not to make them want to fuck me. my goal is to let them get to know me. that was actually a fantastic gift that his fat gave me. and now that i'm losing the weight, i was put face to face with why i have to hang onto the gift. it's a great view actually. really wonderful.

so i walked past the 2 bitches and though of an old schoolyard diss..."i may be fat, but your ugly, and i can always lose weight!" i'm losing the weight. what have they already lost?

warning...it's kinda late...i've got a big cosmopolitan at my side, and all i can think about is the word temporary...i know in the grander sense we're all actually temporary, but how you spend that temporary time is THE thing...in music, i look around and see a lot of temporary rock stars. people who don't seem to care about loving this for the rest of their lives. sad really. i don't see how that inspires people, maybe inspiring people isn't the point. it is for me. i love people who inspire me. people who look like they love the magic as much as the trappings. and the magic is an unspoken thing that's impossible to replicate. people just have it.

i'm watching "7 world's collide"...neil finn's concert from auckland last year. it featured neil finn, tim finn, johnny marr, phil selway and ed o'brien from radiohead, eddie vedder and lisa germano. these people feel it, and live it and have it. what a joy to watch and an inpiration. a lack of "temporaryness". it's amazing.

i wish that for myself. i don't want to be a temporay rock star. i wouldn't mind being 50 and hitting my groove, rocking out as hard as i've always wanted to. defying the odds. being the best i can be. it's the first time i haven't though of growing older as a death sentence but just more time to be better. besdes, as i often say, hey, i'm a black woman...we don't age! i'll look fabulous until the day i die! ...

i don't know, maybe dad getting sick gave me a kick in the ass. seeing those towers go down certainly did. i was circling the drain...feeling very flushable...all voice, no words. using the voice to cover up the silence in the part of my head that wasn't stretching, and feeling anything...but i kept on singing. i keep on singing. because i love it so much. i love it more than anything else i've ever done. when i was afraid to go to school because of those evil harpies...and i was afraid to say anything that i meant, opening my mouth and singing was like hearing a lullaby. it put the evil in people to sleep. i feel it every time i hit a stage or sing in my car...do most people have a something that is that to them? i wonder...

everlasting, not temporary...that's how i want to be...why is that so frightening?

just a short entry today...tired from the gig last night. but we love the rubyfruit. great supportive vibe there! thanks to all who came and were vocal. especially jose, who's becoming quite the devoted fan. weird and wonderful to look out and see someone singing the words to my tunes. so nice to discover that they're being read! hooray!

anyway, going to go get some cosmopolitans at spring lounge. i need them, then maybe play some guitar tonight. gym will wait until tomorrow...but i heard a friend's demo last night...cant' say who b/c i probably shouldn't have heard it yet, but it was awesome. she'll be huge. hopefully. her stuff is great. makes me so proud when that kind of thing happens. also lights a fire under my ass to try to write the kind of stuff i can be proud of. but i guess i'm getting a start on that.

but i'll be psyched when i get the home recording thing set-up. i'm looking to buy keys and using pro-tools. should be a lot of fun. it'll help me expand what i'm playing and hearing. any advice on what to buy, if people are out there doing this sort of thing is appreciated.

anyway, off to drink! it's friday! psyched for st. patty's day. how i do love the irish!

stuck at the office...really wanted to go to the gym, (can't believe i'm actually starting to feel that way!) but i'm going to catch amanda monaco's quartet tonight at cornelia street in the village. haven't seen her play in ages. she's another femme guitar hero of mine. took a lesson or two with her. she's great. hopefully we'll get some jazz ladies on a bill at ladyfest. i really want to mix it up this year...seeing dorothy scott tomorrow night...busy week...oh yeah, and i have a gig thursday at rubyfruit...better take my geritol!

so, stuck here...waiting for somwone to check a job of mine so i can boogie...listening to "how to disappear completely" what a fucking great song. amazing...been a little out of sorts. figured the whole 9/11 thing was behind me, but watched that documentary and it brought it all back. not like i was near downtown. i witnessed the madness from my obscured view in queens. but it's still too incredible. part of me is glad i watched that documentary. part of me thinks there were things that i really didn't want in my ears to ring and reverberate forever...like that god awful sound that they had to describe to me (i'm not even going to say it, but if you saw it, you know), that i could only imagine, and now have the sound in my head and can't get it out. i will never understand what could possess anyone to do such a thing..knowingly kill so many people. i couldn't imaging hating that much to make me do that. it's not human. there is no justification. yeah, we fucked up...a lot of things...we caused some of the feelings that boiled over...but those individuals did the deed, and i cannot nor i think ever want to wrap my head around that. it's bad enough to have the sound, i don't want the understanding in my head as well. i never want to understand how shit like that happens. it just shouldn't...i guess six months isn't quite long enough...

anyway, i'm off to hear some great jazz, hang with my honey and pick up the guitar when i get home...looking forward to england this summer and getting away. just wish radiohead would annouce their damn european dates so i can figure out where i'm going. how inconsiderate of them not to think of my vacation!

ciao, and god help us all. hopefully people will hang onto the human in humanity.

btw--some people have wondered...and THANKS SO MUCH FOR WONDERING AND CARING!!!!!!!...dad's doing better. at home. kicking around, enjoying life...and actually REALLY inquisitive about MY life...pretty wild...that i guess was the miracle after the hell of 2001.
ct--

melody--THAT'S what makes great tunes great. i'm slowly beginning to realize that i never really thought in terms of writing melodies. just singing what was in my head and matching the chords to that. then my songs started to sound stale to me. like they needed something, but i wasn't sure what. and it's a strong sense of melody. soaring above a chord progression and bringing others along for the ride...i'm finally starting to hear them...man, the new stuff is starting to kick some ass. i'm really excited about where it's going. way more into the rock. abandoning some of the laid-backness of the older stuff. that really excites me. i have visions of windmilling, pogoing, rocking all over the stage. that's what i've always pictured in my head. i'm working towards it. what a kick though huh, a big black woman turning it up to 10 and rockin' out...be afraid...be very afraid....but this new tune, "how can you sleep" mainly centers around this james bond style vibe, but the chorus just kicks it out. i'm psyched. and working hard to make a strong melody for it....also, updating the bio to add spiro. i decided to add a "One & Twenty Alumni" section. damn i've really gone through some men!. all great cats though. i've been REALLY blessed to play with some killin players. anyway, it's an interesting walk down memory lane....anyway, that's it for tonight. going to have a session and hit the hay. going to flesh out more of that tune tomorrow...it will beinteresting to see the beams of light from "the site" monday. six months later, and it still makes me well up...amazing...

went to see penny arcade's show last night...i highly recommend it. especially if you've been a new yorker for more than 7 or 8 years and remember when this town had "character."...ah, the late 80s and early 90s, when we all wore flannel, for unknown reasons and went out all the time to see bands. i will maintain, it was not just because i was young! i recently returned to doing that. it's such a pleasure. it totally keeps me going. more people should try it.... get off the couch, get out of those obnoxiously overpriced trendy restaurants, put down the coffee and get in touch with some reality. but no one seems to want that these days. we're all still reeling from the post "e-business" hangover. you claim you'll never drink again, but you can't seem to get out of the bar. because you like it there. it's comfy. we growl at the disneyfied times square (where did the crack hos all get to?). but as we, those of the "we somehow found a job under bush #1, and i don't want to go back to what it felt like eating ramen" generation; grow older...edge doesn't seem so important. well not me--i floundered in the suburbs for 4 years, put on 60 or so lbs (lost 15 so far since getting out!), and lost my way, only to arrive back in the city and find it safe for the midwest. that's not why i moved here! but i guess i'm just an angry, fat old lady...yeah and angry fat old lady who plays guitar, writes tunes, and will never give up wanting things to be important. i have 2 declarations today:
1.) the suburbs should be deemed hazardous to your health...they make you fat and complacent...and... 2.) testosterone should be considered a schedule I controlled substance...it can be dangerous, cause anxiety and can be highly abusive. (actually, i love men, it's that stuff in their veins that causes them to kill people at long range that i have a problem with!) anyway, sorry for the rant. i'll get off of the soapbox for now. and for those of you who have been in nyc for less than 7 years...you just don't know...it was nasty...and it was awesome! --ct

btw--if you check out the schedule of controlled substances, our government claims that marijuana (a schedule 1 substance - the worst), is more dangerous than, demorol, cocaine, morphine and speed. IN WHAT FUCKING UNIVERSE!

well, I'm finally getting around to doing this. i've planned on having a journal on the website since we first did a site, but i wanted it to be right. am i anal?--probably...a control freak?...also probably...but also didn't really know if i had anything to say. but it's been quite a ride over the last 2 years. Feels like some kind of fog is lifting, so i figured i'd do some sharing. my motivation for actually doing this seems so cheesy, but i gotta say, quite heartfelt.

i've nearly quit playing music about every six months for the last 5 years. why? because it's fucking hard! it's insane! it's not what our mothers and fathers always dreamed of us doing for a career. atleast not what i thought my parents were sending me to private school for. is that what they really wanted? the older i get, the more i realize i think they just want me happy. but in my head, it has always seemed like an insane thing to do. and with each passing day, it's becoming the only thing i want to do. that's a hard reality to wake up to everyday. when you're slogging on the work gear, covering up the late nights with foundation, and smiling widely to the people of the working day and all the while wondering "what the hell am i doing here!" OH yeah, i forgot...it's the CASH!

anyway, over the summer, i started getting hardcore into radiohead. been a fan since “the bends”, but not one of those obsessive, scary, I troll the internet for bootlegs kinds of fans (I am now). besides, my friends know I am also a big ed o’brien fan. (unsung guitar heroes, unite!) anyway, a friend of mine hipped me to a diary ed did during their recording of “kid a” and “amnesiac”. reading through this thing was remarkable, because all of a sudden, you got to see the man (or men) behind the curtain. and they didn't look any prettier than my band did. It was amazing to see that even with more gear, all the time in the world to do what they love, and bigger expectations, they were still banging their heads against walls to make things the best they could. but all of a sudden, it all didn't seem so enormous. the daily battles with your band and yourself seemed normal, and it started to make sense to me.

so that's it. maybe this will do me some good...maybe it will do other some good...maybe it will save me money on therapy, who knows. but hey, let's just see what happens. it's all about the art, right? --ct